gissy truly sux.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

God, I think my results are icky. I actually failed Chinese! How shitholed am I now? I think I should quit fk. For my own good. And anyways, I got caught cheating again(Jayson, if you're reading this, I'm TRULY sorry.). So! All this shows that I'm a bitch. A true-blue bitch.

I'm in such a bad mood. One step closer to being a depressed kid. I'm really tangled up in so many things.. But I know that I'll come out of all this happy. Somehow. I always do. Did.

I was actually thinking of commiting suicide during today's Chinese lesson. I recall myself staring at the clock idly while not really looking at it, and wondering if I should just.. end it all. Not because of my Chinese.. That's a stupid thing to die for. Unexpected it would be, of course. To my friends, family, and even myself. Tormenting? Most probably.

But ending my life would mean ending all my problems. But causing more for the others. Those in my SYF group(Cause I'm performing in EMDD).. and other things too(which I am unable to think of at the moment.).

I don't want to disappoint others, or create more trouble for them. They're innocent. Then I was thinking.. Maybe I should just fulfil all my duties, then die. Then, it wouldn't make sense anymore. Since I managed to settle everything, why do I need to end my life? I had already known from the start that somehow I would emerge from the "battles" unharmed, a happy and contented person again.

Why do I contradict myself so?

Why can't I focus on one belief without looking at others?

Why should I carry on if more problems continue to surface?

Why must I go through all this shit for my future, my debts, my gratefulness?

Tell me how and when to end my life. I'll try my best.

PS: No, I don't cut myself. I'm too much of a wimp for that. And no, this is not goodbye. I can't bear to leave everything behind.

darkness falls at 6:05 PM

Eyes which don't know impurity look at me,

Reflecting the forever endlessly continuing earth,

Tracing the remains of my forgotten tears with a little finger.

about me.

Don't you WISH I would describe myself here so that you can find out more about me, or find something disgusting to gossip about?

I am a Scorpio. (Also known as "Scorpion") My Horroscope starts like this:
" Scorpios are highly dangerous, even at a distance. They cheat and lie, live for intrigue, and take pleasure in destroying. " (Read more | Find yours)