gissy truly sux.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Its really, -really- been ages. And SO much has happened. (I'd better not cry when I make this post. *grins*) So much has happened.. And I've learnt so much, and I've changed so much. Character-wise. For the better in some aspects, but I'm not all that sure if I've turned worse in others. For one, I am sure that I have become a far more serious person, but more caring. No idea why.. I don't like it this way.(Maybe that's why I'm so.. intolerant of so many more things now, compared to before.)

Anyways, after the whole big incident(I shall not elaborate. People who actually know about what I am speaking of, puh-leez do not take this as a pathetic whimper in an attempt to receive pity and such, because this is not.), I thought it really was over, and I could refer to things that happened after what I assumed had ended/as "after", but it seemed I was wrong.. Very wrong.(Hope I didn't confuse you all. I shall add in a / for pauses when reading aloud.)

I assumed all my problems were solved, and that life would continue as per normal. But it seemed that news spread fast like wildfire, and there has been.. what I would call.. talking behind my back(I never said gossip. I really meant talking, literally.), about me.

And from what I've heard, it appears to me that I'm the bad guy now. People say that I "like heck care like that", but unfortunately, I myself don't know if they are right or wrong. The defiant side of me tells me that I care, I really do, and that I shouldn't blame them anyways, because this is really what it seems like, from their point of view.

These people have known the guy long before I've known them. He is closer to them than I am. Naturally, they will side with him(Or at least, seem to be.). I have not even spoken to them much, let alone form an emotional bond with them.

I have therefore told myself that I cannot blame them, and that I cannot, and should not attempt to do anything to make it clear to them that I do care. I do not remember if I have ever blogged this before, but I.. don't like making people upset, but I do, should the need arise.

I am seen smiling most of the time, and when spotted without at least a little cheer in my tone or expression, people see this as odd and ask me "Are you okay?", "What happened?" or "Why so quiet?". These questions usually make me smile, I don't know why. And if I'm upset enough, these questions are enough to make me cry(and smile, too.) *beams*

So... the topic of debate now is "Do I 'heck care' or not?".

I myself, as I have mentioned before, am not sure.

But for now, I can tell you that I'm leaning towards the 'heck care' side, but still, somewhere in the middle(my mind's telling me to type this, perhaps to save my soul, and pride, but I'm not sure. :P)

And a note to all.. All who were involved, all who know.. Take this as a plea. From me. Take it that I'm getting down on my knees and begging all of you. Stop this. All of this. Unless someone's telling you to do all this. I know I'm in no position to tell you all what to do, especially because I acted like such a whore and a bitch, and also because I hurt your friend so, but please. I don't know if its hurting that guy, but it is to me.

Now, let me indulge in my own self-pity. Continue on if you wanna gossip.

How painful is it for you to look at what you call friends, only to find out a mere two days later that they were talking behind your back? How painful is it for you to hear praises from a friend just a few days back before finding out that he/she was one of those who were speaking about you?

Would you not lose trust? Would you not trust as easily any more?

All these questions led me into believing that I might not have any friends... any true friends who really loved me. And just a few moments later after expressing my thoughts, my two closest friends, Charmaine and Hemal, told me that they loved me. *sobs* How touching. gissy shall end her whimpering.

But still, I really wish all this will stop. Not that it doesn't pain me... *interruption: one more said she loved me. Thanks, Nanda. :)*

I can confidently say that I cry very easily, but I recover just as easily. You can insult me all you want, give me a day or two and I'll be over it. You can be against me, just make sure you haven't spies around to tell on you. Ignorance for me, is bliss. Your friend needs more support, honestly. I have more than enough.. Or rather, I have all I need. Berlyn, Hemal, Nadia and Charmaine. I love all of you.:)

Yay, Nad just told me she loved me. *grins* I feel so... loved, but I'm still not sure. Love is merely a measurement of how much a person likes someone.

Weird, I shall not confuse myself.

I have become emcee for this year's Book and Music Week! Emcee for the first and last day(Racial Harmony Day). It lasts only three days. I've always wanted to be emcee, but I found that it was quite a boring job cause my teacher wants it so so formal. *grumbles*

Some people said I emceed well, and yes, I'm boasting very blatantly.. But I didn't feel so(Honest! No modesty down here.). *grins* At a loss of words now. Ta people. Hopefully I'm not dead before I feel like blogging again.

darkness falls at 8:16 PM