gissy truly sux.

Monday, June 05, 2006

Sometimes, I just get so tired of keeping secrets. My own secrets.

And its frustrating cause I can't confide in anyone, and I can't blame anyone but myself for creating such secrets.

But sometimes, these secrets.. I don't have to hide.. But they're still considered secrets because I can't tell some people.

In this case, my parents.

I didn't study for my mid-years.

My father took a look at my report book today.

He was bloody disappointed.

But he couldn't see any improvement at all. Because he doesn't know I didn't study for my exams.

For the previous exams, I failed like.. 3 subjects or so. And I studied.

Now, I didn't study, and I failed two. Do you see the improvement?

I certainly do.

But my parents don't.

Yeah, my dad gets to scold the poop outta me, and my mum gets to add fuel to fire, like she always does.

And I just.. idle. I don't look like I'm listening, but hell, every word goes into my head and screws itself into me.

My dad ended up scolding me and saying that my sister and I cry all the time when something (like our results) screw up.

And I told him that the only reason we cry is because he starts speaking to us in that disgustingly rude way.

And he asked me "So what do you want me to say?"

And I didn't reply. In my mind, I was thinking: "Just telling us that you're highly disappointed will work."

And wonderful. I've worked myself into a fix. I can't tell him that I didn't bother to study for my mid-years and considering that fact, did very well.

Why? Because he'd be right about me spending more time on the comp than on my studies, and me not giving enough effort.

And then, I would have NO choice but to give in and start working real hard.

I -will- work hard, and there is a way to compromise my current spenditure of time on the computer and my plans and strategy for studying.

It doesn't mean that Gisella studying means having to cut down a considerable amount of time on her computer.

And my dad's ticked off at Drama.

I don't even know why I'm defending it.

I think its cause of the freaking fame. I don't know.. And my pride, perhaps.

How irresponsible would I look if my dad forced me to quit EMDD NOW?

Yes, he did threaten.

And I defended it. Hell, I defended it.

He said it took up LOADS of my time.

I told him it was just two times a week.

I don't know what's making me defend EMDD, really.

Really, its not too late to back out.. But there goes my reputation with the teachers.

Moreover, if I back out, Berlyn will back out.. Along with many others. And there goes everything everyone's been working so hard for.

And one last paragraph.. Why bother so much, when in the end, I will HAVE to study hard and I -know- I will do fairly well? (Don't give all that poop about "You don't HAVE to study hard..".)

darkness falls at 8:04 PM