gissy truly sux.

Saturday, September 08, 2007

The most recent time magazine had me feeling very.. disturbed.

I was looking at it last night.. Around 10+ or 11pm..

A tired mind and a seemingly harmless picture do NOT go well together.

There was this particular picture. Wasn't very big.

The caption mentioned something along the lines of 18 Iraqi criminals being hanged.

The picture showed about two or three of them ALREADY hung.

I don't know why. The only words in my head were "Oh shit."

I don't know why.. again. I looked closer.

I don't know why I zoomed in to their necks.

I don't know why I bothered to find the connection between The Handmaid's Tale's hangings and this one. No, I didn't think THMT was a prophecy. I just was reminded of the hangings.

I don't know why their heads weren't covered.

I saw their necks.

They really looked broken.

Then I got that feeling again.

"Oh shit."

I couldn't help it, I started tearing..

I would've started crying real bad, but I forced myself not to because I didn't like puffy eyes and the explanation I would have had to give when people saw the puffy eyes.

And then, I prayed.

I don't pray much.

I wouldn't call myself a Christian.

Don't condemn me yet, I'm what many would call an agnostic.

But if there's a god I believe in, it's the Christian god. That's for sure. Just that.. I don't believe in Jesus much. So I believe in God the Father. No, I'm not very pious, so please don't bug me to try and help until I ask for help.

Hmm. I just digressed.

Back to the point..

I just felt like.. "Oh God.. All this is so real.. Why didn't such pictures use to affect me before this? And they're just criminals. I wish there was an article to it."

And then it got me thinking:

"Do people really deserve the death sentence? I really wish there was an article, so that I can understand, and possibly ACCEPT why they died. If it was murder, yeah, okay. But the magazine didn't say 'murderers'. It said 'criminals'. Is breaking the law necessarily breaking a commandment?"

After a moment's thought, I figured it was so.

Honestly, I don't know WHAT was the point of that whole prayer. I just felt horrible.

Hmm.

I'm very very preoccupied with death today.

When I left the house this morning, it was going to rain.. Storm, perhaps. I walked faster, hoping the rain wouldn't fall on me.

When I got to Hung's place, lightning was flashing repeatedly.. The wind was blowing threateningly. I actually felt scared.

What if I get into a freak accident and get struck by lightning? To death?

Then later today I got a little emo. I actually felt a little suicidal. I mean, not crazy bitch kind of suicidal.

I just felt as though I wasted the week. I asked myself: What would I regret leaving behind if I do commit suicide?

First thought: Hung?

Surprisingly, I thought: Nah.

Then I just thought.. I'll regret not having performed my TSD piece before I died. It's my only sure-to-shine thing.

And then I thought: No time. Talme. *lol* Hmm, econs. Really, what if I retain?

Food for thought: What's the difference between "killing myself" and "committing suicide"?

P.S.: No, I'm not going to committ suicide. I'm too much of a coward to do so. But then again, am I too much of a brave person to continue living life?

Ah, the play with language.

darkness falls at 7:03 PM