gissy truly sux.

Thursday, October 04, 2007

Ever since I learnt about Emotion Memory, I decided to take note of how I felt here and there so I can recall such emotions with absolute clarity.

I memorised how I felt when I got my haircut. It was prickly. Horribly itchy to the face. And you know how most of us like to push the fallen hair off from inside the cloth thinggy they put around you?

Hmm.

Well, I'm having my first nervous breakdown due to studies.

I had ONE nervous breakdown before a drama performance before because it was the gala night and my voice turned screwy. And horrid horrid Berlyn just looked at me like "Stop crying lah, you're annoying me"

Back to the topic.

I'm going to remember how it feels like.

I'm going to record it.

I feel like everything is all clumped up in my head.

I just need someone there to listen to me.

I asked Hung to call me, but he took ages to reply, and in the end, my daddy came into the room and sat there, asking me random questions. So he couldn't call anymore and I told him forget it since I was losing my personal space.

I messaged Jerine, hoping that she would reply, because apparently she broke down yesterday. She didn't. My dad went on asking his questions.

"Don't know how to study ah?"

I kept quiet.

"Boyfriend ah?"

I said "No lah!"

Silence.

Before my dad forced his presence on me, my parents both noticed that I was having a breakdown. My mum's question didn't help much.

"FAIL AH!?"

.."ni bu yao guan wo" ("Don't bother me" in Chinese).

I just kept repeating that.

"ni bu yao guan wo".

My mucus was getting annoying. You know how you always expect the pieces of tissue you took to be enough, but they never are?

Then you keep blowing your nose until its rubbed raw?

Hmm. And then I manage to find people to chat with.

Chatting with Mel and my ex. Yes, my ex. Turns out he really is quite nice.

Don't ask.

But anyways, yeah. Mel and I figured that everything's all predetermined anyways and life is meaningless, so WHO CARES!?

Yeah. And Mel said that it was odd the way even the conversation we were having was all planned out..

gissy. says:
You were meant to be here for me.. Mel..

My eyes are puffy and I'm upset that tomorrow I'll have puffy eyes.

Looking on the bright side, I realise that since my parents know that I was THAT stressed, they'll think I was studying really hard. If I retain, oh well. I won't feel TOO bad anymore, cause they won't blame me too badly.

Anyways, I -do- have a chance of passing Lit.

Oh, about the crying.. You know what it feels like? It feels like the kind of tears that I can HOLD BACK. I can. But it just feels so much better to let it all out. I decided to. I feel.. alright now.

As long as I don't think about crying, I won't.

I'm not done waterworks-ing yet, but its sufficient for now.

PMS and this is NOT a good combination.

darkness falls at 9:31 PM